


I Should Stay Strong (But I’m Weak and What’s Wrong With That)

by all_we_see_is_sky



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Being Snarky, Callum Being Proud, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Pride, Sort Of, depending how you look at it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2020-06-16 18:12:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19657969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/all_we_see_is_sky/pseuds/all_we_see_is_sky
Summary: Callum’s heart was pounding in his chest. He felt sick, anxiety bubbling and twisting, wrenching at his gut. It wasn’t fair, none of it was fair, not on Whit, not on himself and certainly not on Ben. Callum knew he had to go and find him. Just to apologise, he told himself. He had to say sorry for today. For yesterday. For everything.Aka, I’m sad we didn’t get Callum patching Ben up tonight so I wrote it myself, in my own way





	I Should Stay Strong (But I’m Weak and What’s Wrong With That)

Callum’s heart was pounding in his chest. He felt sick, anxiety bubbling and twisting, wrenching at his gut. It wasn’t fair, none of it was fair, not on Whit, not on himself and certainly not on Ben. With tears streaming down his face, he pressed a kiss to the top of Whitney’s head. “Just got to nip to the loo,” Callum shouted over the music before turning and weaving through the crowd, desperate to get away before Whitney noticed anything odd. He hadn’t seen Ben, he had disappeared earlier on in the night and Callum knew he had to go and find him. Just to apologise, he told himself. He had to say sorry for today. For yesterday. For everything. 

After searching everywhere, the parlour, the car lot, even Ben’s own home, Callum’s nerves were shot and he found himself all but sprinting towards the last place he could think of, the Arches. The noise that was basically punched from Callum’s gut was somewhere between a gasp and a sob, dropping to his knees within a fraction of a second. “Hey, Loverboy,” Ben croaked out, awake and trying to push himself up onto one elbow. 

“What,” Callum had to swallow around the lump in his throat. “What happened?” He demanded as strongly as he possibly could. Ben just scoffed. 

“Your brother. Grunting and doing his best oaf impression again,” Ben huffed, trying to push himself up into a sitting position. When Callum leant forward to help, Ben twisted his body, ignoring the pain that shot through his ribs the best he could. “Don’t need your help,” true to his word, Ben managed to sit himself up against the wall, blinking up at the ceiling. Callum could see the unshed tears and chose not to comment on them, Ben hadn’t commented on the dry tear tracks on his own face so why would Callum choose to comment on Ben’s. 

Not sure on what to say and scared to say the wrong thing, Callum reached for the other man’s hand, just holding it in his for what felt like the longest time, Ben’s shaky breaths doing nothing to ease the anxiety in Callum’s chest. “Where’s the first aid kit? You gotta have one in here,” Callum eventually whispered, the silence in the room painful but too peaceful to disturb. Ben gestured to the desk and the cabinet next to it. 

It didn’t take long to find it and return to Ben to start dabbing an alcohol wipe along the cuts and wounds on Ben’s face and lips. “I told him about us. Too much of a damn coward to tell to tell him the full truth,” Callum admitted. He did love Whitney, there wasn’t a doubt in his mind. She was lovely, the most amazing woman and Callum knew he was punching way above his weight, just like his dad had said. He just didn’t love her the way he first thought. He was convincing himself that he did still love her like that, that he wanted to marry her but truth be told, he loved her as a friend and nothing more now. The love he felt for Ben was a different story. 

“And what is the truth?” Ben’s voice was gruff and it sounded pained, his eyes trained on the movement of Callum’s hand in favour of looking into Callum’s eyes. They were so blue, red rimmed and he knew he would only end up asking what had upset Callum so hard, and that would end with Ben feeling sorrowful for the man and right now he was trying to keep up with the anger he felt. It was aimed at Stuart, at Callum, at the damn world for being so cruel all the time. 

“I’m scared,” Callum whispered, eyes welling up again as he dropped the bloodied wipe, staring down at his lap as he folded his hands together nervously. “I’m afraid of the truth. I ain’t in love with her. I can’t marry her. Not when-“ Callum sucked in a wobbling breath. “Not when I want you so bad,” he practically whimpered.

Just like that, Ben’s bravado crumbled yet again and he reached for Callum’s hand, giving it a squeeze with all of the power he could manage to muster up. “I know that feeling. The feeling of being absolutely terrified. You’re in over your head and you didn’t mean to catch feelings for someone, especially not another man. But it happened, and you’ve got to do something about it before it eats you alive,” Ben begged. He couldn’t stand to watch that happen. Callum had to do something for his own mental health more than anything else and Ben would try and support him no matter what, no matter how much it would hurt him personally. Having expected Callum to listen to his advice, say goodbye and walk back to his perfect little life, Ben let out a small noise of surprise when Callum pressed their lips together in a light barely-there kiss. 

“This is me, doing something about it,” Callum murmured against Ben’s lips, clearly being careful about the cuts that had developed on them. Before Ben could respond, Callum pressed himself a little further against Ben and Ben was powerless to it, letting a hand come to rest on the side of Callum’s neck. Ben strongly doubted that Callum would really do something about it, would leave here and tell Whitney everything, would let people know he was gay but in the moment he was helpless and his heart felt heavy in his chest and so he let himself have a few moments of bliss with Callum. 

After a small while, they parted and Callum’s hand slotted neatly into Ben’s again. “It was so beautiful, out there, tonight. A celebration of pride and love and everyone looked so confident. I want to be confident. I’m so sick of hiding and pretending, convincing myself that I ain’t gay. After today, and what you said yesterday, I’m not embarrassed, I’m ain’t ashamed, there’s nothing wrong with me and I don’t need to keep hiding,” Callum spoke. His voice betrayed him, it shook and it wavered as he tried his hardest to keep his tears at bay. His words rung true but even Callum himself knew that it was easier said than done, that breaking Whitney’s heart was going to be one of the hardest things he’ll ever have to do. 

“Finally got some sense into that thick skull of yours, eh?” Ben snickered and Callum laughed breathlessly, pushing gently at Ben’s shoulder. 

“Oh give over.”

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Weak by AJR which is a great song and I highly recommend it. I hope you enjoyed!!! Just something I quickly whipped together after tonight’s episode for my own personal needs more than anything else. 
> 
> Say hi to me on tumblr, @imstillabiggay, and give me prompts if your heart desires!!!


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